


The Man I Lost

by BigFancyCherry



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Brainwashing, Cryogenics, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Howard Stark - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Torture, Memory Loss, Minor Character Death, Natasha Romanoff mentioned, Other, POV Second Person, Physical Abuse, Sam Wilson mentioned, Steve Rogers mentioned - Freeform, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 07:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20131486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigFancyCherry/pseuds/BigFancyCherry
Summary: Memories slip and fail you. Who are you  ?  Who were you before you were branded with the red star upon your shoulder ?





	The Man I Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is very short but this is my first writing I decided to post on here to see how it'd go !! This was something angsty I wrote a few months back but decided to brush it up recently. I also decided to mess around with formatting a little?? Just to add a little something for the reader's eye. Hope you enjoy the angst!

**YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE.** Dew drops of melted ice cling to your skin as men in white coats escort you across harsh concrete floor. The walls tunneled and curved over head. You felt as if they were going to swallow you. The synced footsteps within the hall being unreasonably loud in your ears. You’re set in a chair. The light _frizz_ of electricity buzzes within the circuits of your metallic arm before they brand you with a red star. You fidget in discomfort as the room becomes quiet with murmurs of the observers nearby, your mind begins to race.

You cannot remember anything about this place.

You cannot remember who you are.

You do not know where you are.

What is your purpose **?**

_ Where_ are you **?**

Why are you here **?**

_ Who are you _ **?**

**BEFORE YOU COULD CONTEMPLATE** the unanswered questions within your brain, you’re then transferred to another room. You begin to fall into a routine. Training. Recuperation. Adjustments. And orders. You learn to abide by orders.

**RELOAD THIS GUN. ** Take apart that one. Put it back together. Aim with precision. Shoot this target. Disarm that. It wasn’t long until you were shooting down people like flies. They are testing you. Your chest felt tight in remorse, but you ignored it. _HYDRA_ didn’t accept failure. You are scared, but you continue onwards. You learn a mandatory set of languages. _Russian_ being your primary language, coinciding _English _as your second. Fighting against others seemed easy. _Too easy_. You cannot help but feel that you have done similar training before.

**THERE ARE OTHER ASSETS LIKE YOU.** But you are the original. The top priority. You train with them while protecting superiors in their outbursts of defected rage. Soldiers, they called you. You were only known as a soldier. Words rang in your head as a man with a red covered book recites a formula of words. These words are your chains. They form you and you let them form you. they remind you of your purpose, and all doubts in your mind disappear. The ice returns within your bones as you’re locked within a chamber. you breathe in, ice numbing your lungs, and suddenly everything is silent.

**YOU ARE A SOLDIER. ** _You have no name_. You follow orders and kill with no mercy. You do not know why the people you kill deserve to die. Nor do you care. All that matters is that your mission was complete.

**HOME BASE CHANGES** as does the person you report to. You found it strange how people turned from young to old in the course of being under. But you never state that out loud.

**ANOTHER BRIEFING IS GIVEN TO YOU** in a simple file printed on old browning parchment. The man is called _Howard Stark_. And he has something of value. The name rung an old bell in your mind, but you ignored it.

**YOU CRASH THE TARGET’S VEHICLE ,** making it swerve off the road. You make it look like an accident. A woman accompanied him in the car. There could be no witnesses. Her dying breaths are choked to death by your fingertips. The target attempts to exit the vehicle, but you stand in his way.

**THEN SOMETHING PECULIAR HAPPENED.**

**HE ADDRESSES YOU BY A NAME** you hadn’t heard before. _Sergeant Barnes_. You finish the mission anyway. Cracking _Howard Stark’s_ skull against the hard steel of your metal fist, over and over. As you return to base with the required items extracted from the car, something itches in the back of your mind. The name that man called you. It felt so familiar yet distant. Like a case of deja vu. You brush off the interaction. He had the wrong man. Perhaps he mistook you for another. Ice creaks within your limbs again, the feeling becoming routine. Your tired eyes close, you breathe in and cold mist fills your lungs **—**

**YOUR SLEEP IS NOT A BLANK SPACE IN TIME.** Hazes of voices and images begin to surface within your subconscious. They are unclear and blurred, the voices muffled and distorted. You try your best to focus upon them, but they are too far away. You reach out a hand to grab them, but they fade into blackness like dust.

**YOU ARE A WINTER SOLDIER.** You have killed too many people to count. But that didn’t bother you. It was your purpose in this facility. Serve. Obey. Repeat. The feeling of coldness does not affect you any longer. It only feels like home. Another briefing is given to you in a familiar folder case that you have seen countless times. Same folder, different faces. There are multiple targets to handle. You state that you won’t fail. You are ordered to cover your face for this assignment.

**YOU LEAP ONTO THE BACK OF A CAR** and forcibly throw a man in a suit and tie into an on coming truck in traffic. A simple anomaly within HYDRA destroyed.

**THE THREE OTHER TARGETS SCRAMBLE LIKE MICE.** You state orders in Russian to the agents that were assigned to you. You don’t understand why considering you did most jobs alone. But you obeyed. You always obeyed. This mission was more important than any others you had taken. You attempt to hunt down the red head and almost succeed until a man with blonde hair attacks you. You both are surprisingly equal in strength and agility. He was a challenge **—** and that irritated you. He foils every fatal blow, occasionally getting one hit in every so often. It wasn’t until your opponent disarms you, losing your mask in the process, that you stop and really look at him. A stalemate occurs. You don’t understand why he looks so hurt or shocked. _Bucky **?**_ He calls out with disbelief. Your brows furrow, a frown plastered upon your features.

****❝ **_WHO THE HELL IS BUCKY ?_ **❞**** You snap, ready to put a bullet between those blue eyes. But you are knocked to the ground by a flying object. Or was it a _person_ **?** You gain your balance, and suddenly your mind is racing as you stay in place. Bucky. _Bucky_. Why did that sound familiar **?** Who is that man **?** Questions remain unanswered as a grenade is suddenly launched and you flee from the scene like a ghost. disappearing from sight.

**YOU REPORT BACK TO BASE** and those familiar hazy images and voices begin to return. You remember ice. The feeling of it shredding across your back. the scientists that experimented on you. you remember _Arnim Zola _and how he greeted you with sickening pleasure. You didn't understand why they chose you and you don't understand why life had decided to be so cruel. You remember the ache of your bones as the cold air in the cryogenic chamber trapped you like the brainwashed animal that you were. You remember attacking a scientist. The feeling of your steel fingertips around their neck felt satisfying. 

**YOUR METAL ARM STRIKES A SCIENTIST OUT OF FRUSTRATION AND RAGE.** You are _unstable_. Your heart beats within your chest and rings in your ears. You don’t understand but you want to. _You don’t know who you are_.

**YOUR SUPERIOR IS BROUGHT IN.** He strikes you across the face for not answering protocol. The memory of the man on the highway bridge enters your mind. You ask who he was. You are responded with a questionable answer. _But I knew him_, you say quietly. You had to. There was no coincidence in this encounter. There was a history behind this. How long had they been keeping you alive **?  
**

_**THEN WIPE HIM AND START OVER**_**,** the superior suddenly orders. fear strikes your heart. You _knew_ what came next. Your breathing becomes shaken. _You are frightened._

You don’t want to go.

_ You don’t want to go_.

You don’t want to be _stripped _of your memories.

You don’t want to forget.

_ You don’t want to forget_.

**YOU WANT TO STRUGGLE.** To pull against the metal cuffs. But your body is tired. The deafening sound of static electricity fills your ears with a jolt as a scream rips from your throat **—**

You do not _know_ who you are.

_You_ do not know who you are.

You do not know _who_ you are.

_ You do not know who you are._


End file.
